Paper Bag Gag
by Seer of Spots
Summary: oneshot JPLE “Sorry, Lily. I’ll go and put my head in a paper bag, shall I? because that’s the only way I won’t notice your loveliness.” He smiled at me in a way that, I suppose, was meant to make me swoon, and it didn’t.


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Paper Bag Gag

o:o:o

I was up late, as usual, studying. It wasn't as if I had anything better to do with my time. Apart from going down to the common room and frolicking with my friends and staring discreetly at one gorgeous – hamster! Yes! Hamster.

I wasn't going to say anything about staring at a certain James Potter and his pretty hazel eyes that twinkle when he smirks and laughs – and – and I wasn't going to mention the way his cheek dimples when he smiles, or the way his eyebrows knit together in confusion.

I wasn't going to say anything about any of those things, simply because they're stupid. He's stupid. The way he only has enough room for three states of mind – evil, confused or flirtatious. None of which are appealing in the slightest.

He's shallow, he's thick – even though they sound contradictory, it's true! – he has no sense at all!

But, he has that dimple…

Great! Now I'm beginning to sound like one of his equally stupid, swooning groupies.

Whee.

But, since I'm not in denial, and there is a lot of frolicking and partying and so on down stairs, I think I may actually go join my friends. And, I'll prove to myself once and for all that I have no feelings for a man – boy! – who has so many emotional phases you can count them on one finger. Two, if you're lenient. And, by proving I have no feelings _what so ever_ for this man – boy! – I can prove that I am _not_ in denial.

Because that's impossible.

Down I go…

There's Emmeline and Shauna. Oh, and there's Alice, she's with Frank again. Of course, when is she _not_ with Frank these days? They're attached at the hand.

Did you really expect me to be so vulgar as to say something along the lines of 'they're attached at the lips'?

No?

Good.

Emmeline and Shauna seemed to have saved me a seat. Excellent.

"Hello, Emmeline, Shauna," I greeted, sitting myself between them.

"Hello," Shauna said.

"Shove off," Emmeline politely replied. "You're sitting on my leg, you fat cow."

"Well, sorry, for coming to join you for once! If all I'm going to do is cause you bodily harm then I might –"

"Hello, Lily, dear! I thought I heard your sweet voice calling! And when I heard the words 'bodily harm' I knew it was my cue to come in! So how are you, my Sugary Potplant?"

I jumped so high when his voice came in my ear I nearly clipped his chin with my head when I sat up. He walked around the couch and sat back on his knees by my feet. He rested both of his hands on my legs and looked me in the eye.

I was still attempting to catch my breath, and was holding down a blush at him being so close – and touching my leg! I felt like swooning for a second, before I realised that this must have been part of Potter's Plan – he was trying to get me to swoon for him! Never! Because I, Lily Evans, have no feelings _what so ever_ for Mr. Potter that could possibly make me want to swoon.

So there.

"Potter, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" I asked coolly, glaring down my nose at him. "And Potplant?"

"Sugary! _Sugary_ Potplant!" James interjected.

"Are you trying to say that I look like a mother's knitting magazine project and that I've been over stocking on the confectionaries? Everyone's been calling me fat, tonight! _Are you calling me fat, Potter_?" I gave him a well practiced evil-eye – one I cleverly practiced in the mirror until it scared even me – and watched him flounder under my powerful gaze.

Okay, well, maybe not flounder… but he did dig himself into a lovely sized hole – seven feet by two, if you get my drift.

"Not at all, Lily. I think your figure is perfect as it is." He looked me up and down, and no forces in the world could have stopped the flush from flooding my neck and face. I could feel my scalp blushing!

"POTTER! Get your hands off me _right now_ and get your eyes _OFF MY BODY!_" I stood up, and was shouting, now. Obviously, because I always shout at him, and not to watch him cower in fear as he realises he's gone too far or anything of that nature. I shout at him because he needs to be shouted at – he needs a good disciplining.

I stupidly told him so, once, but that's another story. And it's only once sentence. But, I'm busy, shouting at Potter right now, so you'll have to wait.

"Sorry, Lily. I'll go and put my head in a paper bag, shall I? because that's the only way I won't notice your loveliness," he smiled at me in a way that, I suppose, was meant to make me swoon, and it didn't.

It didn't! I didn't feel remotely like swooning.

"Potter!" I even felt my hair frizz in annoyance. "Get a life! And some new pick up lines! You've used that paper bag gag three times, now."

"No, I haven't!" he cried, appalled. "I never!"

HA. _Now_ who's in denial?

"_Yes_, you _have_," I countered brilliantly. He went to interrupt – but I wasn't letting this go. "One! Third of September, our first Herbology lesson. You stated, I quote, "Why, Lily, this Biting Shrivelflug is nearly as lovely as you!" I replied with the following: "Shut up, Potter. Otherwise, I'll feed you to the plant." Which then followed with your statement, "I can't help but notice your loveliness, Lily – what do you want me to do? Walk around with a paper bag on my head?" Then, I shoved your hand into the jaws of the MIGHTY Biting Shrivelflug and you spent two days in the Hospital Wing recovering from an allergic reaction."

I took a deep breath, but ploughed on to my second example. My audience was enraptured by my monologue. Ahahaha. I have them under my (figurative!) spell. Mwaha.

"And, B –"

"Two, Lily. You said 'one', now you say 'two'."

"THREE!" I heard a sigh… "And THREE, on the twenty-second of December, after you charmed my hair to flash green, 'like Christmas lig-its', as you so _eloquently_ put it, I told you to take the stupid charm off. You replied with a witty, "But you light up my life with your loveliness, Lily! You can't expect me to wear a paper bag over my head to block out my sunshine, can you?" Then, I kicked you in the shin and you spent until Christmas morning in the hospital recovering from your tragic fall down the stairs which occurred after I kicked you."

I breathed heavily for a moment, and stared pointedly at James. "You see? You said the paper bag line twice. HA."

And, with that, I walked coolly out of the room – only tripping over two bags and a chess set, which is THIS MUCH of an effort.

Which is a lot.

Out into the corridor I walked and I strutted happily down the hall before I realised what I was doing – I was Potter!Walking – and slowed to my usual graceful stride.

I knocked a first year into a suit of armour.

Meh.

Then I knocked into Sirius Black.

"Fancy bumping into you like this!" he said. He's such a witty one.

"Oh, yes," said I. "Fancy that."

"I heard you just declared your love for our Jim in the common room," Sirius said. Then he smirked.

Smirksmirk.

"Oh, yes," I said. "That I did." Then as an afterthought, "Stop smirking."

And, surprisingly, he did. He stared at me blankly with his mouth slightly agape. Then he started bloody smirking again.

Which turned to a grin. Which turned back to an open mouth, crowing, "I knew it!" followed by much uproarious cackling.

Cacklecackle.

"I was being sarcastic, you know," I said, wide-eyed to his giggling form.

He immediately straightened up. "Oh, I see." We stood in silence for a moment. Sirius sniffed and scratched the back of his neck and I attempted to scrub some ink stains off my fingers.

Bloody ink.

"Well, this has been both sufficiently awkward –"

" – and sufficiently lovely – "

" – so, I think I might be going now."

And I walked away.

"James really does like you, you know," he called after me.

"I know. I – I don't really. Like him, that is," I said. Then I remembered. _Not in denial, right?_ "But – but, not _yet_, right? Cause you can't give up, yeah?"

Sirius smiled. Not a manic grin or a smirk or a wide 'O' of surprise – just a nice friend-smile. "Yeah," he agreed. "Want me to tell him anything?"

I thought for a moment, then smiled a friend-smile, too. "Tell him to ease off a little. And, if I hear 'paper bag' come unnecessarily from his mouth, then I won't be afraid to hex him."

Sirius broke out into a manic grin, then – he must have realised how much that it scared me – it relaxed back into his friend-smile. "Sure, I'll tell him."

_Bloody paper bag gag._ I thought_. Now I have no bloody excuses. Denial my arse._

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End.  
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Okay, it's quite obvious I wrote this at different times – the style and flow is a little choppy. Nevertheless, it's the first Lily/James I've done in what seems like an age and a half… but, it's really not. Hm. Oh, well.

Pecky-pecky my chicken, babes. (Translation: Reviewing makes teh heart grow fondah. Whoo. Yeah.)

**Thanks to **islington bus no. 199 **for telling me about the mistake in the first line. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.**

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